the pain within

everyday i find myself wishing i was someone else i feel death and dumb i just wish someone would take it away take away the pain within. im sitting all by myself wishing i was someone else every day my life gets worse how long must i live this curse of feeling the pain within. people outcast what they don't understand it's not my fault its who i am all there insults and there curses make me feel like im not a person i feel like im nothing but thats what they cause when they realse the pain within. i see blood all over your hands does it make you feel more like a man was it all just a part of your plan the pistol shaking in my hand and all i hear is the pain within these days no one wants me around they point and laugh as i fall to the ground i'm tired of being who you want me to be feeling so angry about to lose control finally you will see the darkest side of me and feel the pain within how does it feel now the curse is shinning down on you. now you see what ive felt what ive known see the pain i never show the one nd only pain below. you've all turned your back on m thinking it wouldn't phase me people like you drive me crazy the pain within maybe gone but the scars are still there forever. every wrong ive done everyone i've hurt these are the reasons why i carry this curse. after 5 years of pain and misery i finally see the darkest side of me . im still on the road that causes the pain within. i find myself in a hallway with no doors and no rooms trying to figure out whats wrong with me. im just so blind i can't see not much left of me all is real is pain now so many fights i just can't win i've seen so many lifes come to an end a price you pay when you face the pain within [left]

Damion, I like it. I like the schizophrenic stream-of-consciousness feel. It gives the piece an immediacy, an urgency, that poetry or prose with a plot cannot attain.

Couple things, if you don't mind:

Watch your grammar, spelling, punctuation. Again, I know you're going for a "stream of consciousness, edge-of-insanity" ethos, but keep in mind that it's easier for the reader to feel that with you if the nuts and bolts aren't a distraction. Couple examples: First line: "I feel death and dumb." If that's what you intend, great. If you intend "deaf and dumb," you might want to edit it.

It strikes me now that I can't view your piece while typing feedback, so I'm going from memory. At one point, you had "there" when you meant "their." Just give a quick glance at your "there, their" instances and your "it's, its," or your "to, two, too" instances etc.

Finally, early on in the piece, you have some "stock stuff," so to speak -- i.e. I wish I was someone else, I hate the way they laugh at me, etc. It got really, really good when you got to the part about holding a pistol in your hand. It's a concrete image, and it's powerful. It's a good example of "showing" emotion instead of "telling" emotion. You might want to think about getting the reader more quickly to that point in the piece. Maybe whack an early sentence? Tighten some stuff up early?

Just suggestions, and feel free to ignore me. I can be a pedantic twit sometimes. (Sorry if I sound that way now.) Either way, I liked this, and thank you for posting it.